So I came to a decision while I slept, ask me not how, for I know not how the mind works while we dream. I digress, I came to a decision whilst I slept tonight, about nothing and everything. There is much I need to do before I do as he asked of me. If I must, which it seems I must, then I will do so while putting every last part of me into it. I will not just ..stop.

So, the beginning of the end. Beginnings should come with a smile, and ends with a bang.

I tried my best, you know? You cannot give more than that. For me, it took more than I had, but that's always the test. You never know if you have what it takes until you try. But I can't be more than I am, or more than I ever was..the gods help me for trying, I cannot.

I failed. Maybe thats why I am so upset. The sting of your own failure is ever vicious. Theres not much to say really, except sorry. Sorry. It's silly, but it's like giving up pieces of myself. How do you just..let go of a toe, a finger, a memory, a soul?

Still I understand, and it is selfish of me not to, or to have anger where none is warranted, it's what's best, and what's right and what they want. Though I know of no reason now to wake at all, until next time. Perhaps a more auspicious one.

So, I managed to stay awake for a good few marks today, and whilst wandering the guild hall, I came to rest in the new room. For the sake of nothing bar hating to see it bare, I sat awhile, imagining what we could change it to. I guess eventually, in my minds eye, I saw the what it could be, I know others would sit and see all manner of rooms in a bare expanse, but for what it is worth, I set my designs down and left them for the others to see, should they ever wake. It would seem they have as much trouble staying awake as I do. Perhaps soon we shall have a new room, one where we can make memories, or not..it depends entirely upon whether we have they want to still be here. Either way, at least it will not be bare and black anymore.

I have never felt so at home anywhere, as I do in the glade...ah alas I know that now it is naught but an empty forgotten space within the silent halls of the guild, but it has a peace that seems so instinctively connected to every fibre of my being. Each breath of wind that teases across my skin, each silken caress of light, be it star, moon or sun...seems only made all the brighter, deeper, tangible, and yet more surreal, for falling in that small haven. Every sweet odour reminds me of a time long gone, when all I saw were smiles, and all I felt was love. Each surface I touch, from the velvet brush of the close cropped grass, to the warm and slightly rough face of the stone, whose very surface seems to beat with the throb of time passed.

There are marcs that I pass, simply marvelled by the dapple of light that deigns to sprinkle down through the foliage, the way it plays across the multitude of greens and yellows in spring, the flourish of colour that assails the glade in summer, auburn and deep rust in fall and the stark glisten of white come winter, no less beautiful for all its lack of colour. It is rare that anyone disturbs me there, only the birds can reach the confines of its secluded space. And so perhaps I have come, in my many days of slumber, tucked within that glade, to have shared myself wholly with ...with it all...so that now I feel as if that patch of earth and rock, plant and beast, know me better than anyone ever has, or anyone ever will.

Perhaps I am, and ever was..nothing more than a dreamer, and as such, have left my thoughts, hopes, and wishes to reside there. Perhaps it is only I that is as sentimental over the most simple of things as soil and stone. I think I like it that way, better to be a dreamer of something, than an advocate of nothing

I do not visit often, this I know, but when I do I am struck by the contrast in peoples nature. Most are kind, warm and inviting. We talk and laugh and enjoy time long missed. Today, as I woke for the briefest of moments, a bird flew my way and it was then, that I realised that some people will always look to be hurtful, no matter what. For no reason, and for no comfort to themselves.

Usually, it would have hurt I guess, but this time I saw it for the bitterness it was and it just brushed straight from my shoulders. Thats a milestone for me I think. It's no longer my problem, something I have done...its theirs, as it was all along. No doubt there will be some snide reply to this from sources "unknown", but I no longer mind.

That little thought made me smile today, and smiling is the first of many steps.